Recognizing Your Own Obstacles
By Abigail Natenshon

Before approaching your child about what may be an eating disorder, you may find it helpful to anticipate the trouble spots, in a effort to prepare yourself to face these obstades. You may also want to discuss them with your partner or a therapist before you talk to your child. To identify potential obstacles, read each of the following descriptions of what you will do to talk productively with your child and write down the difficulties you think you might have in carrying out these actions.

1. I can approach my child with empathy. I can help my child feel understood and accepted so she will partner with me as her ally.

Obstacles:

2. I can concern myself with the process of problem solving rather than with finding specific solutions to specific problems. I can think things through aloud with my child ("I'm wondering if this other option might be a preferable alternative." "Can you talk to me about how you are thinking about this?" "Have you considered thinking this other way, or asking so-and-so for an opinion? ).

Obstacles:

3. I can keep conversations goal directed. My goals are to hear my child, to let her hear herself, to share my values with her, and to encourage her to accept assistance. It can't hurt to explain to her what I hope to accomplish by engaging in a specific interaction with her ("Here is why I am asking this." "This is what I have in mind.").

Obstacles:

4. I can keep the conversational ball rolling. I will try not to take turns with my child in saying things but will focus specifically on what my child has said. I will not state what my child already knows as if it is new information. I will try to remember that I do not have to accomplish my ultimate goal in the first conversation, and I do not expect my child to know or to say right away what she needs from me.

Obstacles:

5. I will try not to succumb to such conversation stoppers as, "Dad, no teenager ever confides in her parents."

Obstacles:

6. I will not fall into the gender gap by thinking that there is some natural law against females'confiding in their fathers and males' confiding in their mothers. The capacity to be open and above board in communicating is not gender based. All teenagers want and need privacy about specific issues but not necessarily about their eatmg disorders.

Obstacles:

7. I will be clear with my child that I do not intend to control her life but only to live in harmony alongside it. My goal is not to have power over my child but to empower her.

Obstacles:

8. I will use I-based statements to avoid giving advice and blaming ("I notice that you haven't eaten much dinner," rather than, "You didn't eat enough dinner.").

Obstacles:

9. I will try to use objective rather than subjective statements ("I notice your clothes seem to be getting larger on you," rather than,"You are too skinny.").

Obstacles:

10. I will learn to expect and respect my child's resistance to treatment and recovery, knowing that this response, though misguided, represents her best effort to take care of herself and to survive.

Obstacles:

11. I will attempt to create occasions to interact with my child. I will make a point of wandering into her bedroom when she is not particularly busy and hanging out there, testing the waters for any inclination to chat.

Obstacles:

12. I know that I may eventually need to use my authority as her parent, through ultimatums or force, to get my child to treatment, at least initially. I know I can rely on the therapist to negotiate the resistance and anger between us. If my child walks out on me and the session, I can always stay and get help for myself.

Obstacles:




Reprinted from When Your Child Has An Eating Disorder, A Step-by-Step Workbook For Parents And Other Caregivers, Jossey-Bass, 1999.